< Issue 7 >
There hasn't been a boy in my bed in over four years
by Elaine Body
My mother would like to think there has been
As if--
A boy would mean I was promising to be normal
Promising to be her daughter
Promising to be everything she assumes I am
I am nothing like her assumptions
I am free flow
I am guilty
There have been girls in my bed
The option of warm skin and hot breath
I've touched
Recently--
I can see her look at them with the same question burning in her eyes
Is she gay?
And behind this
Is the bigger question: If she's gay, what is she doing with you?
Are you gay?
She asked me this once in the car
And yes, I am a liar
I said no
She asked me if I was sure, I said yes
She wasn't ready yet
Ready for the quick fall
Ready for the shatter
Or maybe,
I wasn't ready
Ready to expose my secrets
Ready for the shock to set in
Ready to no longer be her daughter
I am not ready to settle for this possibility
I am not ready for her reaction
To whom I am putting my lips on
To whom I happen to be fucking
I know I'll always be her daughter
But I'll never like boys the way she wants me to
There have been boys in my bed
A few
Hot and full of wanting
Waiting to take
Waiting to be enclosed
And no
They weren’t so bad
Elongated bodies with nothing to play with
Nothing I wanted touch
I thought they would be something
I’d want eventually
Bodies of normal
Girl to boy
Girl to boy
I was never able to love them
I was never able to want, need, ache, expel
For them
They were nothing I could crave
I like girls better.
There hasn't been a boy in my bed in over four years
by Elaine Body
My mother would like to think there has been
As if--
A boy would mean I was promising to be normal
Promising to be her daughter
Promising to be everything she assumes I am
I am nothing like her assumptions
I am free flow
I am guilty
There have been girls in my bed
The option of warm skin and hot breath
I've touched
Recently--
I can see her look at them with the same question burning in her eyes
Is she gay?
And behind this
Is the bigger question: If she's gay, what is she doing with you?
Are you gay?
She asked me this once in the car
And yes, I am a liar
I said no
She asked me if I was sure, I said yes
She wasn't ready yet
Ready for the quick fall
Ready for the shatter
Or maybe,
I wasn't ready
Ready to expose my secrets
Ready for the shock to set in
Ready to no longer be her daughter
I am not ready to settle for this possibility
I am not ready for her reaction
To whom I am putting my lips on
To whom I happen to be fucking
I know I'll always be her daughter
But I'll never like boys the way she wants me to
There have been boys in my bed
A few
Hot and full of wanting
Waiting to take
Waiting to be enclosed
And no
They weren’t so bad
Elongated bodies with nothing to play with
Nothing I wanted touch
I thought they would be something
I’d want eventually
Bodies of normal
Girl to boy
Girl to boy
I was never able to love them
I was never able to want, need, ache, expel
For them
They were nothing I could crave
I like girls better.
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